Suddenly, unexpectedly, with the revelation of bad things and suspicion of worse, the subject of violence against women has jumped into the spotlight.

Everyone knows that the NFL handled Ray Rice with kid gloves until a video showed him knocking his fiancée to the floor, then dragging her outside an elevator like a sack of potatoes.

That woman, now Rice’s wife, says everything is okay and begs the world to leave the couple alone. Meanwhile, Rice (who got off without trial) and a few other pro football players who face domestic assault charges sit on the sidelines. We suspect the NFL has reacted more to the threat of lost endorsements than revulsion at the alleged or confirmed misdeeds of the players, some of whom—certainly not all, but they are poisoning the apple barrel—more and more appear to be masses of muscle and rage.

And then there is the suspicion of worse. State, national and international outlets are focused on the search for University of Virginia student Hannah Graham, missing since Sept. 13. There is fear she has been the victim of something unspeakable.

Some people posting on the internet point out that the student, who is 18 years old and probably feeling on top of the world, reportedly had been drinking and was definitely wearing a top that showed some skin. There’s an implication that she was asking for it. Asking for whatever may have happened that caused her to disappear.

In the same vein, some point out that Rice’s fiancée had taken a slap at him before he kayoed her.

Do not blame the victim. In both cases, it may be that both sides made poor choices. In any case of violence against women, there may be two sides to the story. But in every case, the argument “she had it coming” or “she asked for it” is no excuse for violence.

No, it’s not okay.