Editor, Gazette-Journal:

Imagine you are watching a pet-themed reality TV show. The announcer introduces a guest, Humphrey Trower, who tells his story.

“There’s an old dog I know that most people say is the most terrible dog that anybody ever saw. It’s a total disaster. Believe me! It’s incredibly lazy. It’s such a terrible dog and such a huge loser that absolutely nobody can stand to be around it. It does zero tricks; and if you were to try to teach it, it would probably cost you millions and billions.

“A friend of mine bet me that I couldn’t teach it anything, so I decided to prove her wrong. I knew the job would be very, very bad, but I’m no lightweight. Most people don’t know this, but I’m a tremendous animal lover and I have an amazing relationship with dogs. I’ve been told that I’m the best—the best ever terrific dog lover. Really!”

After a commercial break, we see the guest many days later wi...